2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
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YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
what do you want!!!!!!!!
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”