ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
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Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.