[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
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me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
Bruh PLEASE
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!