Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
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911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy