*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
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If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.