[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
You Might Also Like
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?