@DaddyJew: Me: what do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: no, something reasonable
@omgthatspunny: I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
@WheelTod: [First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don't trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
@ramblinma: No, officer, I haven't been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
@Bob_Janke: Believe it or not I'm listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you're hearing it too.
@SuperRandomish: If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say "Matt?"
My name will always be Matt.