My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
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“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
same energy
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.