Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
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If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.