Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
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Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.