Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
You Might Also Like
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
*frowns in Scottish*
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice