ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
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Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse