Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
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I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho