Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
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Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll