Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
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My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
Me checking my bank balance online.
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
What a chick magnet..
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
WHO DID THIS?
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house