Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
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Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
huge valentines day plans this year!!
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.