[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
You Might Also Like
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.