i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
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Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
Ah..makes sense now
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.