Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
You Might Also Like
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
🤣🤣
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
emergency phone
My wedding will be open casket.
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch