ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
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*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.