[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
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“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
#Caturday
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”