When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
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Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic