Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
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Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT