Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
You Might Also Like
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
That took me a moment.
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
This is no longer winter this is harassment
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.