If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
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A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*