Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
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*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police