Well, my evening plans are ruined
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boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
79.
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee