Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
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So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
I’m ready for Halloween this year
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
6: are snakes just neck?
I think we should hear other voices.
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*