Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
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Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
*jingles half the way*
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
What?!?
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
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