St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
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Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees