Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
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Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement