ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
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I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
There is wisdom there.
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
shit, they caught us—run!!!