Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
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If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
I support this random dude and all his protests
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying