me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
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i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
Natural selection at its finest
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.