Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
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Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
mechanics be like
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”