ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
You Might Also Like
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!