me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
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He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
Alexa, make me look good naked.
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
I know
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”