me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
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[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?