Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
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My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.