Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
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shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up