Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
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my name if I was in the mob
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.