Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
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Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.