Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
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WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
#merica