I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
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i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
hi why am I like this
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
#Caturday
so, is there a mister shapen head
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while