My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
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[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.