There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
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Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.