Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
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I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.