My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
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A dead goose is called a ghoost
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
The Sun’s probably Asian.
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
Simple
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.