My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
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I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
It do be feeling this way.
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy