Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
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When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
Europe. Made in Germany.
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
Tell the colonel to bring it
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.