My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
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it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
i will avenge u mr van gogh
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
I’m an avid indoorsman.
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.